i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
