k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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