oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
