in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
