If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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