I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
