Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
