So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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