I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
