my phone needs a breathalizer
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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