My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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