Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
