my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
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Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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