I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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