Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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