During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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