I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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