two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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