I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
