When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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