I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
