I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
