Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
