Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
