I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
