I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
not ubering you a puppy
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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