I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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