The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
