I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
