I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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