now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
