Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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