I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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