My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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