She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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