He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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