I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
