C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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