apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
