Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
