And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
