I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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