when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
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i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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