I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Blood and glitter go together right?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
