It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
