I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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