Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
ugly people sure do ruin things
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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