He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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