I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
