also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
