mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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