Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
