i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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