I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
