sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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