bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
