I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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