Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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