im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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