i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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