I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
