So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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