why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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