I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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