And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
